The Martians


By my reckoning, I’m about 100 kilometers from Pathfinder. After setting up the solar panels today, I went for a little walk. I never left sight of the rover; the last thing I want to do is get lost on foot.

It’s a strange feeling. Everywhere I go, I’m the first. Step outside the rover? First guy ever to be there! Climb a hill? First guy to climb that hill! And that rock? That rock hadn’t moved in a million years! Wait. That rock looks like it’s moving. I must be hallucinating. But here’s another first: Soon I’ll be the first person to recover a Mars probe.


Holy shit. What do I do? Remember that rock I mentioned earlier? I wasn’t hallucinating.

Once the batteries finished charging I put the solar cells back on top of the rover and started driving toward Pathfinder while listening to Lewis’s crappy disco music. Same ol’ routine I’ve had for the past few sols. Except that a huge ass two ton boulder was following me. Since when do rocks move? Oh right. They don’t.

I wanted to ignore it, but it had been following me for a whole goddamn hour. So I got out of the rover to investigate. First I just looked at it. Okay, looked like a normal rock. Then I touched it. No response. Then I kicked it, and it freaking evolved or something. All of a sudden it had arms and legs. Actually it kind of looked like a turtle that stands on two feet. Like a Ninja Turtle. Man, I miss that show. But that’s beside the point. I pissed off a ten foot giant.

I fled in terror. I ran like there is no tomorrow. Ran for my life. Got to the rover and started driving at a blazing 25 kph top speed because that can totally outrun the alien. Needless to say, it was not the best course of action. Because the alien caught up to me and kidnapped me.

But, I mean, what else was I supposed to do? Nothing like this was included in NASA’s space training program! They never taught me what to do when if I met a golem on Mars! And now I am being carried to who-knows-where.

Anyways, I’m writing this log to you, dear future Mars archaeologist. If this is my last entry, you’ll at least know why. Tell NASA that aliens do exist. Tell them I know it sounds insane, but I’m serious. It’s just that NASA never recognized them because half of the time they look like normal rocks.


Good news! The aliens like me!

Apparently they kidnapped me and brought me to their village because they like me so much! Boy, am I thankful. They’ve been feeding me like there’s no tomorrow! Don’t ask how they grow food here. I have no idea, but I could care less at this point. I haven’t eaten my fill in ages since, you know, I was always worried about extending my food supply to survive.

And guess what! Pathfinder is here too! It’s just sitting in the middle of their village! They like to dance around it. Seems like some form of worship. Maybe because Pathfinder came falling from the sky, they think of it as some sort of religious figure. Maybe that’s why they treat me like god. But wow! Dancing seems to be a galaxy-wide form of expression!

From what I can tell, they have some sort of language worked out. I can’t understand what they’re saying, but they seem to understand each other. Interestingly enough, the community here is quite similar to those on Earth.

At this point, I wouldn’t mind staying here forever! I mean, my chances of returning to Earth seem so slim. If I stay here with the aliens long enough, I’ll probably learn to understand them and hold conversations, right?


Fuck me. I’m stuck in jail.

How? Good question.

As much as I was enjoying the company of my Martian “friends” (they’re not my friends anymore), I figured it was about time for me to head back to the Hab. Yes, I could survive here with them, but I miss hot dogs. They don’t have hot dogs here. So I casually put Pathfinder on top of the rover and got ready to leave. Drove to the edge of the village, and BAM! Aliens surrounding me in every direction. No escape.

They love me so damn much that they put me in a cage. I think they want to keep me here. Forever. Though, how can I blame them? Everybody wants the company of Mark Watney.

Okay, all jokes aside, how could they lock up their god like this?! They have no respect! How am I going to get out of here?


Alright. I made a plan. I’m going to break out at night while everybody is sleeping. Fortunately these Martians were dumb enough to leave me trapped together with the rover. And Pathfinder still attached to the top of it. All I have to do is figure out how to get to the other side of these bars…


Woohoo! Mission success! I’m on my way back to the Hab!

In the end it was pretty simple. The poor dude guarding me must be horribly overworked. He fell asleep on the job. And when I say fell asleep, I mean he was just gone. Snoring, drooling, everything. Not pretty. But helpful. I reached out between the prison bars and grabbed his keys. Voila! The door unlocked. Then I just casually drove out.

I feel kind of bad for the guard. He is going to get in a lot of trouble once the rest of the Martians find out I escaped. But now that’s his problem, not mine!

Hopefully, when I get back, I can find some way to fix Pathfinder. Otherwise, this whole trip would have been for nothing.


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